I’m not sure why, but my husband is very territorial when it comes to his new, shiny, candy apple red lawnmower. Tell me, is this a testosterone thing? Because at the slightest mention of me actually mowing the lawn, he freaks out!

Ok, here’s the sitch. We are having a PTA meeting at my house tomorrow. 14 board members and their kids. Which means that we will be outside for most of the time as my house is certainly not a mansion. This meant that my lawn could use a cut. An inch or two off the top. The usual. I thought I would be nice and mow the lawn for him. He’s a busy guy, works hard. It would be a good thing to help him out, right? That was my first mistake. Evidently, there is an unwritten rule that says you must have a penis to operate the lawn mower.

I TOTALLY DID NOT KNOW THAT!

I am 30, uh I mean 29, years old. I have never seen a sticker on a lawn mower that says you must be in possesion of a penis to mow the lawn! Don’t you think that the manufacturers should place such a sticker on the machinery to educate us of the female gender? I mean it would save lots of time and discussion in a marrige.

Fine. I won’t touch his stupid lawnmower. I will buy my own. A shiny red lawnmower with a seat and steering wheel. And of course I will make a sticker warning him that if he has a penis, he cannot operate it. Otherwise, he may lose that penis. Get my drift?

The leaves are falling! I kid you not, I have little yellow leaves on the ground. I’ve looked and looked, but I cannot see any sign of changing colors in my yard. And yet there they are. Perhaps they have blown over from a neighbor’s yard? No, I don’t think so. The winds have not been blowing and my fence is 6ft high. So although it’s possible that these little yellow intruders are drifters from another’s tree, I’m still betting they fell from one of my 9 leaf throwers. So I lay on the ground and stare up into my apple tree. This tree being the largest and most in violation of trashing my lawn with it’s leaves in the past. I still cannot see a hint of yellow. Oh wait! Maybe… If I stare really hard and kind of squint with my head angled 10 degrees to the left and with my right ear’s tip touching the ground… Yep. It’s there. My apple tree has tinges of yellow gold near the very top. And it’s not even September!

All at once I’m excited and energized, thinking of all of the fun fall activities I can partake in. And of course I’m going to need a few new items for my wardrobe. Let’s see, what’s in style this year.

Ugg Boots. Ugh. Aptly named apparel. I hear they are as soft as walking on baby chicks. Ew gross! Who the hell would know what that feels like! And come on. Tan, baby blue, and pink. I am so not a pastel girl. What is this, fall or spring?

Corduroy. Ok, this totally takes me back to when I was a small child and I had the ugliest brown corduroy pants that I was constantly photographed in. I don’t know if they were my favorite pants, but as I was very small, I’m betting my mommy had something to do with this choice. At one point, the knees were even replaced with bright pink heart patches! On brown corduroy. Need I say more?

Pink, Black, & Tan. Speaking of pink… These seem to be the colors of the season. Black I can do. Tan is a stretch. Pink, did I mention I am so not a pastel girl?

Ponchos. Ok, this one makes me laugh. A few years back, I learned to crochet. I can make a few things. One of the items I perfected was a child size poncho. I made some for my daughters. Alexia is to young to really notice what she’s wearing. Abby on the other hand was five/six when I made them. She voiced her concerns in a very delicate way. “Mom! I will look like a dweeb!” So, into the back of the closet they went. Well guess what was dusted off and modeled this past week? “Mom, these are so cool. Can you make me more?” Hmm… Should I play the good mommy and make her more, or play the bad mommy and remind her of her ungrateful attitude in the past?… I’m gonna have to think about that one.

After lying under that tree and thinking about the new fall fashions, I came to a decision on what to buy. I of course took into consideration my age, size, & coloring, mentally envisioned myself in each of the above mentioned “must haves”. I therefore got up, dusted myself off, searched for my hubby, and made my proposal.

“The leaves are turning.”
“They are not.”
“They are. And as such, I need to go shopping.”
“Oh no, is it time for…”
“Yep. And this year I’m not going to be the only woman in this town without a leafblower!”